REGRET

                               'REGRET' 

(Image courtesy: Google)

          Today I am 90 yrs old, completely bed-ridden and watching television for the great 'Indian movement' the 'Second freedom struggle' by a man called 'Anna Hazare'. The massive crowd which has spend the 10 magnificent days of their life in Ramlila ground will surely get a chance to taste the 'real taste of freedom' once they will ultimately win the battle against corruption. My son is supporting Anna with all his heart & I am proud of him. But my grandson doesn't seems to have faith in it. My grandson Arun is employee with India's largest software company. He is 27 yrs old & has been recently moved to Mumbai for job.We have always respected his every decision about his life. But today somehow I am little unhappy with his rude behavior. No, I don't want to preach him anything. He has his own mind & his own conscience. But today I want to share something very important with him, 'my greatest 'Regret' in life'. 

           

        Our family is one of the most respected family in Punjab. When I was young,  I  studied in one of the most premium school in Nainital. My father was on higher position in Military during British Raj. I was grown up with British children during my hostel life. Due to my rich family background & father's good relationship with British statesman,I never had any Indian friends in my childhood. I never knew why other countrymen were looking for 'freedom'? My father kept me away from Indian students. He didn't wanted me to mix-up with them as he was worried about my future. He never wanted me to become rebel & I always followed his suggestion. Due to my such up-bringing, I had developed lot of faith in BritishRaj. When I completed my education in Nainital, I moved to Lahore to join Police force.  

         My father was proud of me, that I was successful in my career & I felt the same for myself. But the things started changing after 1945. World war II ended, and British government lost lot of property & people during war. That was the period when Indian National freedom movement started to take grip. We had lot of pressure to catch the rebellions who were trying to do revolt against Britishers. That time I never understood why such young men,without frightening to death were joining the freedom struggle ? I was least concerned with whatever was happening around me. I was dedicated to my work & I was serving my own country. I was hard-working policeman,and it was my duty to catch such 'Krantkari'. We all were Indians, and for us British rule was like our own Government, and I couldn't even imagine that there can be 'Free India' in future. I never had that vision.


          But whenever I used to see young krantikari getting hanged to death, I could not sleep for several days.I still remember, I have spent several sleepless nights.Then there was a period my colleagues policemen  used to cry in front of me. Some had developed a great hatred for their work as we were killing our own people. But I was still under dilemma. How can someone die for   a dream of 'Free India'? We had never seen such 'State of Existance', called free India. So why people are even ready to die for such unexperienced state. Why people are so frenzy? How can this old man called 'Gandhi' agitate whole nation for something called 'FREEDOM'? My only concern was my family and my job. For me,  the meaning of patriotism was 'to serve my nation as a policeman' under the British Regime. 
           
          Many of my colleagues in Police force started to leave Police force. They could not handle the guilt of killing their own people.The anger and distress against British Raj started developing in every policemen.But we all had families & all wanted to earn our bread. So we were committed to our work.I still remember we used to call 'Krantikari' as 'Deewana' means 'Mad', because they had made their life so 'cheap'.But as the number started increasing.We saw more & more people demanding the freedom. Gandhiji gave a weapon of 'Satyaghraha' to all the people of India.'Ahinsa' is what he used to preach & perhaps that changed my entire opinion about the battle.


       I was one of the most trusted Indian Policeman under BritishRaj & so I was given the charge of expelling the large crowd of Azad Maidan that day. I still remember General gave an order of lathicharge over the crowd who were engaged in peaceful protest against British Government. The crowd was much bigger than our policeforce that time & we were worried that we didn't had enough darogas  with us to expell such a big crowd. But as the lathicharge started I was shocked. No one raised their hands over policemen. They started shouting slogans 'Inqlaab Zindabad'. Angry General started  hitting them with more strength.Blood started spilling out of their bodies but they stood again.All of them used to get ready to get hit more harder within next moment. That scence changed my whole life. I had earlier caught many freedom fighters who had guns & other weapons with them & killed many of them in gun-battle. But that never ever made me feel guilty. But these 'non-violent' movement has started to agitate me from inside out. Why are these white policemen hitting, killing our own countrymen who doesn't have any weapon in hand and asking 'British' to leave their country. Why? But I never had courage to leave my job and jump into freedom struggle. 
           
         On 15 August 1947 India became 'Independent'. And that was the first time I sensed what is called 'Freedom'? Every Indian was celebrating the Independence. My family, my friends congratulated me, hugged me, and I started feeling more guilty. I was celebrating the 'freedom' which I had never dreamed of. The 'State of Existence'  for which many 'Deewaney' died. The state of 'freedom', which was envisioned by few, but followed by thousands. The 'Independence' which was earned with lot of struggle and worth 'dying' for. I was actually started feeling happy internally that INDIA got 'freedom'


             But what about the 'REGRET'? Yes, it's still there even after 6 decades. I was part of freedom movement, but I was not on right side. And that 'regret' kept me killing day by day. All the hard-earned medals which I got during my service in Police-force were the symbols of my anti-Indian stance.I never believed in 'Gandhi', and I could never visualize India without Britishers. I always listened to my mind, but always ignored the voice of my patriotic heart. I was the most intelligent person who could analyse every situation, every event properly, but unfortunately I ended being on wrong side,because I could not make my mind within time. I lost my precious opportunity to serve my country in real sense... I 'regret' for it. 


          This should not happen with my grandson Arun. He is very intelligent & really hard-working person. He is born in free India, but the 'Corrupt' one. He doesn't have the vision to see 'Corruption-free' India. It's not his fault.Some people can not visualize such 'State of existence', as they believe only on their experiences and do have rigid mind frame. But I want to tell him that join these 'Deewaney log'  who are fighting for something which 'Anna' call as 'Second freedom struggle. My son, I want to see you on the 'RIGHT' side of freedom movement. I love you and don't want you to 'regret' like me, throughout life. 


                   Arun, I hope you will listen to your heart....